God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star