@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
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@TexasHickspanic: The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
@chrissyteigen: I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as "quiet"
@gtfml: Never ask me "Who hurt you?" unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.
@BeerBatterBeard: You'd think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would've been up for a performance review by now.