@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
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@realHamOnWry: The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It's called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
@Mr_Kapowski: If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@kwirkyKerri: The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy.