@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
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@WilliamRodgers: Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...
@eddiesnextwife: My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays. I'll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
@jokesforsmokes: "I have a bloody nose" - a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.