@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
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@Douchekevin: I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3. When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.
@fanofhell: I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can't enjoy any of it
@Underchilde: A friend asked how I’d describe a hot air balloon, and I just told him it’s a lot like my ex, but with a basket.