me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Confused owl: What?!
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*