I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Europe. Made in Germany.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*