This is me
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I don’t know what to do
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.