I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Some days I can鈥檛 believe my son is 3 陆 years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
me: my girlfriend鈥檚 a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-m芒ch茅
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 馃槈
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: Man, I鈥檓 tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here鈥檚 nothing but Taylor Swift.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he鈥檚 10 feet tall and they鈥檙e absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Maybe she鈥檚 born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and