I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny