Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Smile they said.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.