I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.