I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
This makes total sense…
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
This kid will have a bright future.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds