I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me