I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?