I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
buying dead houseplants to save time
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave