@JimNorton: I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.
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@inmynewskin: I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
@LeBearGirdle: Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch? NASA: have you ever built a space ship? Reporter: well no bu- NASA: it's really hard
@ag_loco: Dear Canadians, Who's the cutest little nation? You are! Yes you are! *pinches cheeks*