@JimNorton: I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.
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@2p2TrollCat: Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
@JMFnSparks: Dear men, I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her! Love, Spiders