I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.