@krisv_723: I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@ilyaschaeffer: Netflix would be a great dating site. "Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours."
@huntigula: *Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"