I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I’d hang this in my house.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”