@SamTR7: I just got an email offering "free bible verses". You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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@killlmefam: *On Ellen* ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah sometimes *Death appears, sneaks up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
@Angibangie: Hi, I'm Angie. You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who's responsible for this girl?
@TravLeBlanc: I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
@Serious_Law_Guy: Me: Your honor, he's not asking the witness any questions. He's just reading Harry Potter to the jury. Judge: Yeah, I'm gonna allow it.