I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
this is the best interaction on twitter
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look