@ibid78: I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB."
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@flashember: *Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough's bedroom* ATTENBOROUGH: What the- WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
@lenadunham: Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
@Halbeerz: After what happened to Lance Armstrong I'm kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
@flyafuckingkite: When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.