@ibid78: I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB."
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@Mindless4Miles: *stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv* *can't come up with a good alibi why I'm late for work*
@behindyourback: Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
@delusions_of: If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn't work play "Tiny Dancer". Bears love that song.