@OhNoSheTwitnt: I just got asked to work on a "special project" which is boss for "This was assigned to me but you're smarter so here you do it."
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@ComedicBust: [walking into a mattress store] Me: [smiling too hard] Manager: You can't jump on the beds. Me: [no longer smiling]
@SteveSuckington: Her: Let's each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can't get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who's yours? Me: The babysitter
@Elizasoul80: A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I'm mad at her because I haven't answered, but I'm still typing.