If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.