End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.