@13spencer: I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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@BoomBoomBetty: I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
@sarcasticmommy4: Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
@KentWGraham: There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
@MelvinofYork: Yes, I said I was sorry and that I'd do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.