I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.