“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I have never related to a cat more
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.