I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.