I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
🤣😂🤣
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
can’t catch a break