When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
You Might Also Like
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?