@VeryRudeTweets: I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.
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@MaraWritesStuff: "You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands." *Lights another cigarette*
@FunkyFresh_79: [on a first date] Ok, don't let her know you're really a squirrel... Her: I had a great time, good night! Me: *runs in front of her car