@VeryRudeTweets: I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.
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@thatUPSdude: Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say "Ta-Da" when you do.
@jackmackenroth: It's saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
@TheUrbanSlangs: Drunk - When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her