@the_mom_dot_com: I just got laid. But don't worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.
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@Sassafrantz: [text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"
@Parentpains: My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.
@kellymcc0y: When someone spaces out their "ha ha ha's" in a text I read it in Count Dracula's voice