[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.