@the_mom_dot_com: I just got laid. But don't worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.
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@TinyNietzsche: Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? "Not to be confused with each other."
@hello_saylor: My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
@SteveSuckington: [Taken 26] Abductor: I have your great granddaughter LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
@jazmasta: After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.