@the_mom_dot_com: I just got laid. But don't worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.
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@mjkspeaks: An important phone call is something that occurs when there's no better excuse to ignore someone.
@robfee: If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.
@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@Tormny_Pickeals: *passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live