Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.