@TomMughal: I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it's because I look authoritative not because I look like I'm wearing a mask.
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@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@SufficientCharm: Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I've seen him do some questionable shit. Don't ask.
@poizngrl: I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family
@iwearaonesie: me *sneezes* cw: Bless you me *sneezes* cw: Allergies? [flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to] me: Yeah, I guess so