I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice