@jrogasm: I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
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@lucascomedian: I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Arguing with a guy over who's tougher] *takes toothpick from mouth* "When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce."
@internetluke: A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
@Brampersandon_: *fart noise* ME: it was your dog. I swear! GIRL: my dog died last year you liar GHOST DOG: theres no way she's gonna sleep with you now lmao