ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
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Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.