I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
You Might Also Like
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My dress code is business-casualty.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol