whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.