bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it