@DivorceDad: I just got this twitter error: "The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it." Apparently, twitter thinks we're married.
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@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: daddy, what does "despacito" mean? ME: slowly 7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito...…mean?
@thatUPSdude: Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants. Everyone heard you leaving.
@MisterBombay: Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them