I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
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My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.