I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I falcon love using swear birds
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.