I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
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Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.