I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt