I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You Might Also Like
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas