I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
#SCOTUS one-star review
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving