I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
You Might Also Like
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
i choose….tongue
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
At least he brought enough for everyone
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
it was love at first sight
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct