@mishakey: I just had 'the talk' with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn't real.
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@MoistPork: I just typed "relationship" and it came up "delusional" on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
@joci2203: [first date] Him: Why are you being so distant? Me: Why didn't you order a side of guacamole?
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Tell me about your weekend. Bob: Why? You never ask. Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative. Bob: That's disgus- Me: It worked! Bye.
@RorynotRoy: I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.