@mishakey: I just had 'the talk' with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn't real.
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@Douchekevin: The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook. And in my bed And on my couch And in my car And when I was at work
@AlexRogaski: [God making African animals] Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
@juneohara65: The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
@Midgetspar: If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.