Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry