@somecleverthing: I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.
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@awordforaword: I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than "you're out of batteries"
@trainwreck1000: General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha
@krisv_723: *Hears something go bump in the night. Me: *jumping out of bed. Who's there? Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
@Shellsterca: *Goes fishing *Catches Spongebob *Hangs him on my wall as a trophy *Too lazy to buy a sponge *Uses Spongebob to clean toilet