I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.