I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
screw you
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
They must have gotten it to go.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.