I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
i meant to share this earlier
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.