If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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Sniffing the broccoli
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”