@caseytduncan: My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

@TheBoydP: Not to brag but my son's friend said "Your dad looks hot" when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with "Is that heat stroke?" but still.

@sixfootcandy: CW: It's 11:11 make a wish. Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

@heymonroe: Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@ElgatoEsmio: If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!"