Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!