I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
A double negative is a big no-no.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Breaking news:
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…