I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?