I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.