I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.