@thisis_thatguy: I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Cop: What happened? Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats. Cop: Can you describe the accident. Me: Adorable?
@DomBorrett: I wish I'd worked to learn another language. Only so I'd be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
@The_JRM: 5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie. Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie?? 5: Dreams come true.
@RamblingMachine: If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.