I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?