I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**